FTC CLUBHOUSE

I'm very aware that my last post may have been slightly harsh and over exaggerated.

 Well, qutie frankly... I'm sure the same about myself. 

Now, after a few days to recover.... I am feeling alot better trying to test waters again and learn how to not wait and rot. It's fine to following feelings but not when it's killing you. Sure it's suppose to hurt alittle, but not like what I was feeling.I'm actually finding different ways to focus this energy. 

I've taken to the option of writing....

Dating others...

Flirting with seniors....

And simply obsessing over things that I'm sure my heart really wouldn't give time for. That's also killing me. God, do I say anything insightful... anything non-depressing...

I need fun. 
I get fun, but not the fun that overwhelms everything else. Not lately anyway. Maybe this toga party will be just what I need. Last night at witness was fun too. I miss my exhilarating club nights. It made things so much more edgy. I'm getting bored with sofas and beds again.

I just noticed no one is answering my text messages...

Another Day gone by... In fact two days have gone by...

Life has taken another turn for this recently romance writer. On Sunday... two days before now... I was caught in a situation with a parental figure that caused myself to suffer somewhat of a loss in my... to soon find out.. shallow existence. My cell phone was apprehended whether the reasons were valid or not. In this event... things have become alot harder for me to manage. Communication is a strong leg in my life that I depend on very much so. Well, last night, my friends... amigos... terrys all decided to arrange a dinner together at the beach house. After numerous calls... numerous messages... I began to feel left out. Until I called a certain friend of mine thats going to die of AIDS. (inside joke... but not a very good one for those who may be. Sorry.) Well she was nice enough to pick me up to so I coyuld enjoy this occasion with everyone.

Well when I arrived... I comments such as...

"Well, you didn't have a cell phone so-" (Coming from the person I left 4 messages on there phone and maybe 7 missed calls)

"You called?" (coming from the person I know has my home number in there phone from previous situations like this one.)

Yeah... Well I gave my input and conversation ended with two sorrys, all of which I didn't believe at all.

I just think that it's funny that I was excused from plans because i had no cell phone to be contacted on. Shows tons of effort. It will be remembered. To be honest I don't know whether to blame lack of effort or lack of knowing any better.

I'm not so much mad anymore. I just thought I'd share my opinions that crossed my mind last night and some slightly linger.

Now... backing up a few hours into my work hours... I crossed the myspace of my new current romance. I found an unexpected feature. This person was labled as "In A Relationship"... That's when my head began to split into two different emotions, which usually cause my agonizing head aches.

Well one side... in uncontrollable joy... think maybe it's speaking of myself. Dare to dream.

And the other... thinking maybe there is someone else, which I would have to be okay with because there's nothing official here, but the words spoken before wouldn't mean as much anymore.

I find two faults in my behavior:

~This was on myspace... Get over it.
~I agreed there was nothing official... just feelings. Nothing more.

I should probably get over, like some say. But I'm crazy. A stalker. A freak. I'm in love I guess.

Does that make this craziness okay?

Another Day gone by... In fact two days have gone by...

Life has taken another turn for this recently romance writer. On Sunday... two days before now... I was caught in a situation with a parental figure that caused myself to suffer somewhat of a loss in my... to soon find out.. shallow existence. My cell phone was apprehended whether the reasons were valid or not. In this event... things have become alot harder for me to manage. Communication is a strong leg in my life that I depend on very much so. Well, last night, my friends... amigos... terrys all decided to arrange a dinner together at the beach house. After numerous calls... numerous messages... I began to feel left out. Until I called a certain friend of mine thats going to die of AIDS. (inside joke... but not a very good one for those who may be. Sorry.) Well she was nice enough to pick me up to so I coyuld enjoy this occasion with everyone.

Well when I arrived... I comments such as...

"Well, you didn't have a cell phone so-" (Coming from the person I left 4 mesages on there phone and maybe 7 missed calls)

"You called?" (coming from the person I know has my home number in there phone from previous situations like this one.)

Yeah... Well I gave my input and conversation ended with two sorrys, all of which I didn't believe at all.

I just thik that it's funny that I was excused from plans because i had no cell phone to be contacted on. Shows tons of effort. It will be remembered. To be honest I don't know whether to blame lack of effort or lack of knowing any better.

I'm not so much mad anymore. I just thought I'd share my opininons that crossed my mind last night and some slightly linger.

Now... backing up a few hours into my work hours... I crossed the myspace of my new current romance. I found an unexpected feature. This person was labled as "In A Relationship"... Thats when my head began to spluit into two different emotions, which usually cause my agonizing head aches.

Well one side... in uncontrollable joy... think maybe it's speaking of myself. Dare to dream.

And the other... thinking maybe there is someone else, wich I would have to be okay with because theres nothing official here, but the wods spoken before wouldn't mean as much anymore.

I find two faults in my behavior:

~This was on myspace... Get over it.
~I agreed there was nothing official... just feelings. Nothing more.

I should probably get over, like some say. But I'm crazy. A stalker. A freak. I'm in love I guess.

Does that make this craziness okay?

Now this is ironic...

After speaking on the problem something way *HUGE* happened to me.

I received a call around the time of like midnight-thirty-ish and it was THEM. I don't know if I mentioned this before but the symptoms fell upon me again. Heart racing... random skips... lack of breath, all in a sequence that only a person use to it could hardly bare.

We spoke for a while recapping on recent history in life dating back to January 2nd... that last moment we saw each other, touched each other, were each other. The conversation had it's ups and downs... from skiing, to illness, to change of home. The change of home was the real UP in the conversation.

I know not knowing where to go next is a hard thing to deal with.. and now so do they. In fact, my attendance was requested... was needed.

-If you are reading... know I want to be there to hug you. To take care of you. To wipe your tears.-

I listened to the voice on the other end get weaker and weaker as we spoke on how me being there would make all the difference in the world. I listened and responded til I knew they couldn't speak on it any more. I almost heard trembling.

THEY hung up.

I gathered one of the those lumps in your throat that you develop when you fight the urge to cry. But the night had to go on. Thats why I was out in the first place.

The night took unexpecting turns.

I was reacquainted with old friends... I explored a new *HIGH* and took in my first taste of ABSINTHE.

Nothing spectacular I must add.

And now it's Sunday and I'm struggling to find a time to be active between the time releases of this capsule.

It was quite the night. Quite the night.

Wow... I havent used this in a long time. In fact I had no intentions on finding it until I found it on a blog on myspace accidentally. I'm not going to try to catch people up, so I'm hoping you know me, can connect the dots, or can just deal with start with what I give hear and now.

I have fallen in love. Hopelessly in Love. Distantly in Love. Matter of fact... also Painfully in Love. Over the ime period of maybe a year I have met someone amazing who makes my heart beat faster, makes it stop, and cuts off my breath, but I have also met someone who doesn't talk to me now.

Because of this separation and lack of communication I have been grown unworldly unnatural things with myself. I've done desperate and god ugly things to make myself try to remain happy. Ultimately, I know they are wrong but somehow my mentally cant say tell me no.

So... if people are worried because you have noticed me doing weird, random, and unexplainable things... and I mean unexplainable for myself. It may be because of this. I'm just trying to fill a whole. Funny thing is after each attempt I tell myself I can't fill it. It must close. Yet I attempt again.

I'm trying not to do anything stupid.

And i'm trying not to seem always down. I'm going to make it through this for sure.

I didn't write this to make people question. I wrote it to make people aware. To have some sort of understanding why I am the way I am today... yesterday... yesterweek... yestermonth... and so on.

I love you guys who seem to keep a smile strong on my face. That only means whatever you're doing it's stronger than what i'm feeling (If I'm not fuck at all even in the slightest)

Thanks!

So high,
Birds couldn't stop me now,
Feelings free,
Smile and confidence concore my face,
my thoughts,
the ugly was gone,
the wounds seemed to heal,
An gentle angels touch and word,
A goofy dealers laugh and smirk,
A beautiful divas strength and wit,
A sensitve roomates humor and charm,
these are the thing that made fying so easy,
made it only a flap of a wing,
i thank you guys,
i'm on the ground now,
will i ever leave the surface again?

No word...

All is still...

Everything is silent...

Without you.

Im worried naturally. Thats what I do... Just like when you were in the hospital... and when you got home from.

Your in my thoughts...

No self deception can blind my min to that.

(My hands crest you cheeks and my lips land on your head)

Friendly Love... from a friend.

No one can phanthom the the frustration floating in my head. I hate that everytime I rightb in this thing lately I have some type of drama...

Useless exaggerations...

depress-filled thoughts...

Just general shit that makes a person seem like they are never happy, but I am. I am happy lots of the time. I wish I could express it alittle more...

Well here's my thoughts...

I love you boy... no matter how pissed I am.

Only as a friend though... whether its retuned

J... I miss you... come back.

Tonight I went out and enjoyed myself ina very calm...exilerating way. Some may calm me a pussy after such... some may call me lame... but all I did was walk these old railroad ties out above the water and had some actual good convo-ing with Caitlin and Joel.

I hope Joel knows that i fucking love him.

He really is an amazing person.

And says sorry alittle tomuch... no one needs that much insecurity.

Last night I almost died and that is the end of that tale.

Side notes to.... the fucked up...

YAMS!!!!!

ME...ME...!!!!!!

Fuck hollywood video!!!!!!

Some coffee manufacture lost lots of money on me last night!!!!

Me room is blank...

The End...

Tomorrow is wednesday and I can't wait...ERIN IS GOING!!!!!!!!

I need to finish my room... and who ever does the final touches with me... that night everyone will be able to crash there and try incredible hulks with me. In my new room.

Tonight I had a blast!!!!!

I went to perkins after working with Vinnie for the evening... It was fun.

Perkins was boring and very raunchy... but then again... I was there.

Afterwards we picked up Ryan... and went to some forest ranger tower and I decided not to climb. Everyone else (Caitlin, Joel, Ryan, Matt) continued on leaving Emmanuel with Mke and Jonathan.

Well I started to lay on top of Joel's car and la-lee-da'd... Just waiting patiently... until mike and Jonathan showed up with trash cans that they decided to put on top of Joels truck. I helped... it was funny... one of the best jokes I pranked in a while.

We left and waited for the peanut gallery's reaction and they were upset naturally... or confused... or whatever...

I know because of the person I am... people might have assumed that I was the culpret... mastermind...whatever...

And there's other word that people may have been upset because I was upset which was not clear to me at all. But I'm sure in someway I gave them the reason to think this way of me.

I only apologize to Joel... sorry... it wasn't you... just a joke out of boredom.

To those who may have been offened and may have thought little of me before this message... continue thinking that. Fuck that... I don't care. I have obviously made you think I'm that typeof person so it's my fault. Think what you want... that only means no one knows me but me.

I can't lie and say I'm not upset in anyway now... before I was just going along and having fun.

This experience has only made me feellike I should be alone in the world. That way I won't have anyone to get upset with about the beach. Or anything I want to do on a boring night. Or... anything period. I'd be free of it.

Thats life....

I will see how shit flows tomorrow!!!!!!

Toodles...

No seriously... Have you got into a conversation with a group of people continuing a false emotions causing yourself to be fake... and eventually somewhere in the conversation... you say something so fake that it makes you sit down and realize that you were acting fake... and just say to yourself "who the fuck is Tre Cool?"

Well... I got there tonight and it made not like myself again... all over again. Just no that multiple times in my life I have voweled i would never do it again... big look at me... What am I?

But if someone asked why are you fake or why do you think it's necessary... I will never know. IT goes back be fore second grade where I tried to lie about my finanicial home management to be "in" that school.

Who is a person who once faked there life and stopped the next day?

If this is you... I need help.

Get off of the corner bitch.

There arepeople in the world, who feel it's necessary to pass judgement on others they don't know. And then there's others who pass judgement on those they don't speak to. Then there are otgher that pass judgement on those they can't confront face to face.

These are Samantha.

I have back tracked through the last few months and adding on to the last incident regardless to what xnilx says. I think that one fat people should be naked for the simple fact that it might make people like you stay in the house more often.

People should wear belts with out belt loops to show dumb pretentious people that you CAN live out side the box and out side basic fashion rules if thats what you precieve them to be.

Eye brow rings are not trashy... people are... you should be aware of this.

Ugly is a thing that most people pass judgement on the outside but I'm looking deep and if you were so bored that you had to burn others fun to make your day alittle *ULTRA ULTRA* that makes you the equivalent to a 8 year old. (Height doesn't count anymore I see)

I'm pissed... and a spider just dropped by and gave me a postcard.

Please... now you have something to rave about...

I'm talking to you... because I want to be your friend!!!!!!

Samantha (Sammie)... ITS ALL FOR YOU!!!!! *jumps*



******

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On anyother note... I have a car. I'm so excited I could just spit.
Last night was raunchy and very under age!

My cunt is craving you?????

Satan sucked who's dick????

Jacob your so bad!!!!!!

I left my children outside and they almost were harmed... Poor Morgan and Smirnie!!!!

KETCHUP IS UGLY!!!!!

Okay... excuse me if this is just a ten second rant...

Since June 8 I have constantly asked one thing in life and that was to swim. Each night everyone say\id yes let'sdo it...

Grant you one night we got pulled over which is explanitory but the others...

Constant yes's...

And no follow up....

I could understand if everyone was like no... we don't really want to... but they're not. Well fuck this. I'm not going to get stood up any more...or get my hopes up I should say. Fuck them.

Tonight I said I wanted to swim... I waited until 1 since we wanted alcohol... and everyone was like okay except for laura... and then when 1 comes around everyone wants to play drinking games... I just wanted to swim and then be able to get home in time wake up fresh for work.

Next time tell me fucking no...

So I won't sit here and say fuck off...

That all the fuck I want is to touch fucking water...

I'm not saying that it should be done for my birthday... but be done because you said it could be done.

This is a moment where I know i will be lonely in life...

Because the way I feel.

Thanks for reminding me to post!!!!

Um... lets see...

Winding... Love it..

Rainy... Loved it

I watched 8 hours of movies with me mother and here are my notes on the time...
* "The cat drinks milk"
* "I have to return some video tapes"
* "It's not lady like to tell you such things."
* "Shut your cunts mouth before I fuck start her head"


Bridge... walking... windy... Woo hoo!!!!!

Joel caught the sadness... aww...

I love Matt!!!!!

The end... if you can follow this shit... then you are absolutely fucking amazing.

Yesterday...

Slept til fucking 2:20!!!! Fuck!!!!!

I had a spiffy armanian dinner with the Paylors and not Caitlin... as we talked aboutthings like how sex makes you back better. And how they got in trouble back in the school years. It was fucking hilarious.

Last night...

Worked... ugh

Went to Perkins and sat and laughed for a long time thanks to Zack Brett and Guy. Good laughs. And we met up with Zach. We smelled heavy gonja that night... and whoa gonja in the bathroom. I made me realize that...

Hi... I'm Emmnauel Vickers and I am... a p__h__d.

Rain little heavy...

Did alittle dance...

Got soaked that night

Yesterday...

I went to work and did basically nothing but get bored and start telling people on the mall that I like pigs...

Caitlin... I know Jungle Hump.

Then I went to TCBY to work tired as hell... when it looked like there was a hurricane outside...

Dorothy, Dorothy, Where's Dorothy?

Worked that night out...

Faster Faster!

Went to Jeff's with Laura... She watched movies and TV and watched me Caitlin and Matt go to gonja land! I for some reason didnt talk alot but made crazy ass faces... once again got a personal live show... didn't care about that...

And I got upset... but of course.

And mike... that wasn't even cool!

Warren Peace... Mmgawa...

Joel Brooks... I think he should be recruited for some off road fury shit. Also I saw some black and fag cappin', crome packin', dirty rednecks worshiping a bonfire. It was scary as shit...

And styro-foam cups don't bite people...

And the swim quite slow.

Last night...

It was a dark gloomy night...

Down we drove
Out they poopped
The cop told us we had to stop

Took I-D
Checked the plates
I thought we were all jail mates

There she came
that evil witch
She was the most annoying bitch

No insurance
Matt popped the bubble
Now the scooby gang's in trouble

Get out the car
We made the call
But Laura didn't answer at all

They offered a ride
Inside we smashed
Then the captain made a flash

On they question
Me of all
I knew nothing of alcohol

They left us go
And the car stayed
A great hero Jeff had played

We invade his house
Took a quick chat
and went home after that

Now we're safe
Hip hip hooray
I got arrested on my b-day...

Words can't explain what I think right now...

Only certain people truely know...


I'm going swimming!

I want to...

I'm tipsy...

Should you listen to me?